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28 January 2013

On loss, grace, and being a mom

Last week was an emotional week for me. If you know me in real life, you might be surprised to hear it. I guess I am able to hide emotions when I feel like it. Also, as an introvert, sometimes I find it best just to mourn quietly. It was what I needed to do last week.

I had tea with a dear lady from my church on Monday, and I cried through a good portion of our time together. My intent was to talk with her about potentially leading a Bible Study for some women in our church. We ended up sharing about loss...which brought on the waterworks. She listened and hugged me and made me feel safe and loved. Turns out God new exactly what I needed in the moment.

Last week was the week that our third baby would have been due. I was just nine weeks pregnant when we found out that our baby no longer had a heartbeat, but of my 3 miscarriages, this was the hardest. We had seen our baby through an early ultrasound, and had even seen the heartbeat just a few days prior. I'm amazed at how much bonding can happen in just a few short weeks. We went from being shocked and surprised to planning what our life would be like with a third child. For five weeks I threw up every day, dreamed about having a fuller, nosier home, prayed for strength to somehow know how to parent 3 children with 2 being just 19 months apart in age. I made the difficult decision to stop nursing Truett because of some medication I was on to help with the health of the pregnancy. So, losing a baby at 9 weeks left me deeply hurting for all that might have been.

Thankfully, my God is one who restores. As Brett and I have learned countless times before, God's grace is sufficient to carry us through the most difficult of seasons. A long-time favorite verse of mine is:

2 Corinthians 9:8
And God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.

Last week we experienced record highs here in Colorado. The kids and I spent lots of time outdoors, and it was refreshing for all of us. I like to think that it was a little gift from the Lord during a week when He knew I would be hurting.

I was also reminded this week of the miraculous gift that both of my children are to our family. The Lord alone is the author of life...and it is a privilege to have been called to serve as their mom. 

Truthfully, it seems like many days right now tend towards the longer, harder end of the spectrum. I'm learning to parent and discipline Truett. At 19 months, he's full of energy and brings plenty of challenging and puzzling parenting moments into my day. Don't get me wrong, he is an absolute delight. But, if you've been around a 19-month-old boy for any length of time, it's likely you can relate to the bursting-at-the-seems-energy-and-curiosity-and-general-craziness that fills my days. At the same time, Maren is starting to care more about her stuff and her space, which proves to be a difficult combination along with a curious and exploratory little boy. We're learning and growing together. And God is so gracious to grant me the patience and wisdom to face each new day. But, wow, do I ever need His guidance right now!

Happy Monday, friends. Thank you for sharing in this journey with me!

Oh, and Brittany...you won the giveaway! I'll be in touch shortly with the details!


  1. I'm so sorry, Kate, for your loss and pain.

    I'd love to watch your kids some time when you need a break. Wed or Fridays are best for me. (I'm serious; don't hesitate to contact me.)

    Also, thanks so much for the note cards you left behind. I love them! I've used the ones you gave us at the women's retreat and one of the people I sent it to made a special point to tell me how cute the card was!